Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for You! 1Peter 5:7

I grew up watching my Mom battle anxiety.  I'll never forget her very first anxiety attack, I sat in tears, pleading with God not knowing if she was going to live or die.  I found instant relief when the doctors told us that she was JUST having an anxiety attack.  You see my Mom is the type of person who bottles everything inside, she let's everyone confide in her, but confides in no one.  I promised myself that I would never bottle up my emotions, I would be open and honest, even if that meant I was going to be vulnerable, or uncomfortable.
During our Sun Stand Still Fall Challenge Bible Study Group,   I declared that I was going to pray for God to heal my OCD.  Well throughout the challenge I realized I would do things like lift my hands in the air and say a prayer, in attempt to control my anxiety.  I don't bottle my emotions inside WHY DO I HAVE ANXIETY?  I have faith bigger than a mustard seed, WHY DO I HAVE ANXIETY?  I am immensely blessed WHY DO I HAVE ANXIETY?  I don't get it, why is this happening to me.  I had such a bad anxiety attack, when I was working last year, that they had to call an ambulance, I thought I was having a heart attack.  WHYYYYY???? 
Just as I was praying my sun stand still prayer, God was lining up events in my life that would soon force me to face my ANXIETY head on!  I was a wreck, when Micah's Dr. told us, that our ONE YEAR OLD SON, was going to need another MRI on his brain, because of his continued head growth.  You know what I did the three weeks leading up to the MRI?  I stayed home, I cried, I cleaned, i searched the Internet reading horror story after horror story, I lived in fear.  Then I fasted, for the first time in my life, then I prayed, My family prayed, My friends prayed!  God used this event in my life to draw me closer to him.  But the anxiety wouldn't go away.  I would have glimpses of peace, but they were far and few in between.  I remember calling the doctor's office to find out the results, and of course, everything was absolutely normal!  I praised God dropped to my knee's, tears flew from my eyes so quickly I thought I would be floating in a river of tears when I was done praying.  Then I was good my anxiety was gone, until dun dun dun....... Noah's teeth surgery was coming up to fill some cavities, and they had to put him to sleep.  I then shut the world off, and sat reliving all the emotions and fears I had a week before.  Then Noah's surgery date came, and it was canceled, because he had a cold.  So I was good again, until dun dun dun.......  The surgery date came again, the fear cycle repeated, and again it was canceled, because Noah had a head cold.   I couldn't help but laugh, because God is a God of humor.......  He's reminding me that he's in CONTROL, and that he has everything under CONTROL, & that I need to give up CONTROL! 
I finally decided it was time to visit the good ol' Doctor.  I was crying hysterically as he asked me what I've been doing to help control my anxiety, I could barley talk without tasting the salt from my tears, but some how I got it out, "I've been praying" he then quoted scripture after scripture including one of my favorites, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 4:6-7)  He then prescribed me with a non-addictive medication, &  out of nowhere he bowed his head, and began to pray.  I instantly began to hysterically cry.......AGAIN....... but this time my tears, were accompanied by laughter.......  God was reminding me in the most perfect way that he has everything under control! 
A few days ago God had another divine intervention planned for me.......  Out of nowhere my Best friend Sam, Blessed me with a study bible!  It has changed my perception of God, allthough I will always fear him, I am reminded that I shall not be afraid of him, because he is a God of Grace, Mercy, and Forgiveness.  I want to share a few paragraphs of a page I was reading the other day:  "It's essential business--this tearing of the heart.  Perhaps there has been too much preaching and posturing and not enough praying!  Real praying--prayer that allows God to get his hands on our heart--brings results.  Turning back to God, however, requires discipline like that of an athlete, disregarding the inevitable plan involved. The discipline of devotion includes the willingness to be broken, in order to be restored." ~~The Daily Bible Study for Women.  WOW.......  I remember as I started praying my Sun Stand Still Prayer, I was reluctant, and almost wanted to tell God never mind, I'd rather just deal with my anxiety rather than have to face it....... but God knows our hearts, & he never gives us more than we can handle! 
I'm sorry I can't tell you how everything turned out, because it's not the end of the story, it's only the beginning, but that's okay, I'm prepared.......  Because no longer will I allow anxiety to control my life, I've relinquished all control to my heavenly father!
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you!" 1Peter 5:7

God is so GOOD!

The past few months Masi & I participated in the Fall Sun Stand Still Challenge, which dared us to believe God for the impossible.  I was intrigued, inspired, and renewed; which reminded me that with God the possibilities were endless, and I was walking in faith that seemed so impossible! As I was reading the book "Sun Stand Still, by Steven Furtick" I read a chapter entitled Mistake into Miracle, which instantly triggered extreme anxiety! I was so scared that by praying my Sun Stand Still Prayer I was opening up the door for things that I was not ready to face.  I became aware that when you ask God for the impossible you have to be willing to accept the trials and tribulations that come along with your answered prayer.  I guess I just expected that God would heal me from my anxiety with a snap of a finger. (I know that he is capable, but now I realize that if that were to happen I would have never grown from this experience!)  Despite my fear, I prayed my Sun Stand Still Prayer!  This was one of the only times in my entire life that I was asking that God’s will be done without expectations.  You see prior to reading this book I would ask for God’s will to be done in my life, but I would always have a list of stipulations: “But please don’t let anything bad happen, but please don’t cause us any pain in order for your will be done”!  Reading this now I laugh at the thought that I was really in control of this.  I see now that I was never really giving God the opportunity to heal me!   I think it was a week after I prayed my Sun Stand still Prayer that I sat in my Son’s pediatrician’s office as he told me, that he was ordering another MRI of Micah’s brain.  I remember fighting back tears, so many horrible thoughts ran through my mind, that I found no comfort in the Dr’s words, “I am just being precautious; I don’t think anything is wrong with him, I just want to make sure!  He probably is just a chip off the old block” The only thing I heard was that my youngest Son would be needing another MRI!  The next day I stood in shock as the dentist told me that Noah would be needing surgery to fill his cavities.  The only thing I heard was Surgery, I didn’t listen as the Dentist reassured me this is common in toddlers, and the only reason he needs to have surgery is because he is so young and strong that he will fight the dentist the entire time.  Instead of realizing that God was answering my prayers, I was blaming myself for not taking my prenatal vitamins everyday while I was pregnant with Micah, I was feeling responsible for apparently not brushing Noah’s teeth enough and now he has to have surgery.  In the midst of all my fear and anxiety I sat in Bible Study angry, scared, and helpless.  I can remember the exact moment when I realized that God was answering my prayers, it was on the last day of our Fall Sun Stand Still Challenge, and we were talking about how we felt prior to starting this challenge & how much we’ve grown in the past six weeks.  As I began to express every feeling that was lingering through my body, I had an epiphany, how was I supposed to be healed from something if I wasn’t willing to face it?  These past few weeks of waiting for Micah’s MRI have been a rollercoaster, it didn’t help that I was trying to diagnose the situation online, and of course everyone has their opinion of why children need MRI’s of the brain!  The only thing I learned from my research is that the devil is a liar, and I say that with the most triumphant smile ever! I’ve been fully relying on God these past couple of weeks, I’ve been praying a thousand times a day!  I still have my moments where fear tries it’s hardest to knock me on my knees, but then I find strength from God, & I get back up again! I’m not trying to boast when I talk about my prayers,because I believe the are suppose to be an intimate time with God, but I do want to tell you about my experience and how God has been carrying me through.  I couldn’t understand why I was still feeling anxious, and afraid, so I turned again to pray and I laid it all on the table, expressing every feeling I have felt these past couple weeks, and how I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just let these horrible feelings go, because I have so much Faith in Him?  I was on my knees confessing my heart, when I felt a feeling that I have never felt ever in my life, I began to sway back and forth, with my hands in the air, and felt like I was going to fall over, my hands began to tingle, and I just felt the presence of the Lord, I immediately began to cry and praise, I can’t explain it but it was the most wonderful feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life, it was during that moment when I knew everything was  going to be okay, that God himself was with our Family and that Micah, & Noah were going to be okay!  After balling my eyes out to Masi, then my Dad, I felt convicted to go on to Facebook, and let everyone know what was going on, & ask for a prayer request for Micah & Our Family, (which is extremely hard for me to do, because I can’t stand feeling vulnerable, and I always want to help others never the other way around)  I’ve been reading a lot of devotionals, and scriptures, and realized that when we are our most vulnerable, and when we are faced with trials and tribulations is the exact time that we should be open and honest with our friends, and family, and anyone for that matter, because when our prayers are answered God will receive all the Praise, and all the Glory!  The next evening when I went on facebook I was so humbled and thankful to see all of the people who have been praying for Micah & our Family, people who I don’t even talk to on a daily basis, are taking time out of their lives to lift Micah up in prayer, it reminded me how big our God is!  Micah’s MRI was on Monday, and this time seemed so much more bearable than the last.  Micah did so good, & because I wasn’t balling my eyes out they actually let me be in the room while he was having the MRI done.  We should know the results tomorrow, but I find complete comfort in knowing how big Our God is!   I never thought I can go through something like this and say that, but that’s how astonishing He really is!  I feel like this experience was him showing me that my anxiety has no control over me, if I just have faith, & scripture reassures us that we need faith as small as a mustard seed to move a mountain!  So dear anxiety, you think you have a hold of me, well you must have no idea who my Father is!!  <3 

Update:  We got Micah's MRI results & Praise God everything is NORMAL!  God is so good, and so FAITHFUL!  To him be all the HONOR, PRAISE, & GLORY! <3

Fellowship, desire, and a bowl of Rasinets

I felt like a new kid on the first day of school, walking into these strangers’s house, with my sword of truth (bible) at my side, and a notebook tucked in my purse. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was willing to do anything to reignite my relationship with God! I was nervous, and I still don’t know why, walking into a room full of God loving people should be like walking into a home full of family & friends! The nervousness wore off in less than a millisecond as we shared stories, snacked on rasinets, and learned about the audacious faith, and true commitment of Daniel! It was during this fellowship, that I met Tina & Larry our Bible Study host couple, who opened up their home one night a week for fellowship! I remember admiring their relationship not only with each other but with God! From the moment I met them, a passion in me was lit, one day my Husband & I will be hosting a Bible Study full of fellowship, and rasinets.

I attended this bible study, because I desired nothing more at that moment than to know God at a deeper level, I wanted to hear his stories, and to re-ignite that burning passion to serve him at a higher capacity than I ever believed possible. I was impatiently waiting for a lightning bolt of energy to strike that exact chair I was sitting in and give me a sign telling me what I needed to do, to be the God fearing Christian Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, & Granddaughter that he has called me to be. I’m not going to say I was disappointed that I wasn’t struck with lightning bolts, but I was expecting an immediate revelation, an instantaneous epiphany. Had you told me almost a year later my Husband & I would be opening up our doors, to lead a bible study together, I would have found some excuse and doubted that this was possible.

Fast forward to almost a year later, & I am humbly grinning ear to ear, because this past Sat. Masi & I hosted our very first Bible study together! We didn’t have rasinets this time, but I did make some homemade salsa & cookies! =) Anyway that’s beside the point. I don’t think for a second that me meeting Tina & Larry was an accident, I believe whole heartedly that this was a divine intervention. God knew Masi & I needed to serve together, and he strategically implemented a plan that would bring out that hidden desire. It all started with an invite, a non obligation, no expectations, invite.

God used that bible study not only as a learning guide, but as a place to meet people from all walks of faith. I went into that bible study feeling like I was over sensitive, excessively energetic, too caring, naïve, and a little ditsy, but God introduced me to Lisa who has been one of the few people in my life who told me she admired me for who I was. And I don’t know exactly why those words resonated so much in me that day, but I am learning to be content with who I am, to accept the faults that others see in me, and realize that my quirks are a gift from God.

Where are you in your walk? Are you afraid to feel like the new kid on the first day of school, so you choose to be content with who you are, & where you are in your walk with Christ? Are you tired of living a mediocrity life, and ready to take the next step with faith wherever God leads you? You may already be living an audacious life, full of bold faith based decisions. Who knows, but don’t be afraid to take that next step, because you never know what life changing adventure God has in store for you. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, and invite people to join in on fellowship, lives can change by a simple invite around a bowl of raisenets!

FYI I'm not a perfect Christian!

I think it's safe to say that I'm a fairly positive person. I always try to make the best out of even the worst situations, but I am only human....... I have faults, vulnerabilities, fears, & anxiety too. Sometimes I just want to crawl under a blanket & watch tv all day! Today my friends, was one of those days. All’s I wanted to do was cuddle with my boys, eat chocolate ice cream, & catch up on Army Wives. You see I’m a sunshine & Christian music kind of girl……. NORMALLY I like to open all my curtains as soon as I wake up, (even if everyone else is still asleep) so the sun can seep it’s way throughout my house, even if the sun isn’t out, I guess you could say I appreciate the God MADE daylight! I’m not a music person, but I am known to bump some Casting Crowns, & Sidewalk Prophets every now & then. But today I wanted the curtains down, & the music on MUTE! I couldn’t really put my foot on it. I guess you could say that I consider myself to be EXTREMLEY blessed, & it never feels just “OKAY” for me to be in such a pouty mood, so when I am, I get really down on myself. I guess over the years, I’ve grown very accustomed to being the STRONG ONE, & I’ve taken on that roll quite well. I have always been the shoulder to cry on, the voice to pray, & the ears to listen, so I get very uncomfortable reversing those roles. Okay so enough jiber jabber, today was bible study day, & I didn’t want to go. (NO, that’s not right)I did want to go, but something was holding me back. Let me tell you the devil goes full force when he knows I’m growing in faith, & today was no different. As the hours passed & I missed bible study I began to feel guilty, because I knew how bad I really wanted to be there, but that’s when it dawned on me, I was beginning to go for all the wrong reasons. So the littlest excuse became enough to miss not ONE, but THREE bible studies. My purpose this year has been to gain a better understanding of God’s word, which then would allow my relationship with God to grow. Through bible study I’ve been learning that my relationship with God has hit this plateau, because I began to allow my worldly needs be the reason I was serving him. I loved the praise I was getting, & the way people would talk so highly of me made my head grow the size of……. well lets just say I had a big head. My best friend came over after bible study tonight, to tell me she prayed for me, which knocked me to my knees & humbled me instantly. It’s not about me, everything I’m doing is for something, SOMEONE GREATTTTTTTTTER! I realized that my relationship with God has been changing because I haven’t been serving him to serve him. I’ve been people pleasing, & I’ve been held on such a high pedestal for so long that I was afraid to be vulnerable. To let people see or hear my weaknesses because then maybe they wouldn’t let me be the shoulder to cry on, the voice to pray, or the ears to listen. But I aspire to be the Woman he has called me to be, & if that means I have to admit that I’m not a perfect Christian, well then that’s exactly what I am going to do. I serve in the Lords Army & as I was reminded tonight, I’m going to be wearing my Armor of God from here on out!
Ephesians 6:10-18 (New International Version, ©2011)
The Armor of God
“10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”
So tomorrow you better believe those curtains will be opened & Spirit 105.3 will be blaring,
<3 Crystal Saili-Fio

Crystal....... Humble yourself!!!!!!!

I'm being completely honest when I say I've written many blogs from then till now, but I've deleted every single one of them. I guess you can say my latest blogs are crumbled up and scattered around an electronic trash can somewhere (so to speak). I can't blame my lack of POSTED BLOGS to writers block....... I just haven't felt that any writing till now has been blog worthy. My entire purpose for REFLECTION DISCIPLINE SURRENDER was to document my journey in Re-igniting spiritual spark in my relationship with God, & that’s what I should be writing about. If we opened up all the crinkled papers lying around that trash can we would find……. Worldly advice, I began to write for all the wrong reasons. Let’s be honest I’m not here to change lives. After all this blog is not meant to boost my popularity or make me famous, it’s simply to document my journey. What happens after that……. is completely in God’s hands.
So what brought on this Blog worthy BLOG? Well……. It’s a long story, so let’s start where it all began. If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning you’ll know I’ve hitten a spiritual plateau, & have been desperately seeking to take my relationship with God to the next level! Sure, I can recite John 3:16 with my eyes closed, & I can tell you all about Adam & Eve, who killed Able, & How many days Noah was on his ark, I can paint the elaborate picture of Joseph’s colorful coat, & how Moses lead the children of Israel out of Egypt, but that’s as far as my little Sunday School mind can take you. Desperate doesn’t begin to describe how badly I want to know more, more than teaching Sunday school will allow me. Through an invitation from my Best Friend, God has blessed me with the opportunity to be apart of a bible study group, that is currently studying the book of Daniel. I knew the story of Daniel & the reason he landed in the Lion’s DEN, but I had no idea how amazingly poetic the story of Daniel truly is. I’m learning so much about my personal walk with God through Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, & yes even King Nebuchadnezzar. I’ve had many epiphanies’ these past few weeks but none as life altering as last night. Everything I am, Everything I have is for God’s GLORY! Beth Moore points out, “If in our humble pursuit of God we find ourselves with a fleeting moments position, it’s a platform for God’s glory.” I’ve realized I live with such a worldly intent, to be the BEST……. to stand out, & hope one day that I’m on the top of a corporate ladder, a leader at church, the worlds greatest Mom & Wife, but for what if not God’s glory? I’ve always said I am who I am because this is who God has made me to be, but I can’t say I’ve always stood by that notion. Every blessing in my life I’ve always thanked God, but I don’t think that I’ve truly given him the glory. I desire to be as humble and faithful as Daniel, & stand firm to my faith as did Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, & Daniel. So here’s to it…….

Humbled,
& giving God all the GLORY,

Crystal Saili-Fio

I'm NOT the ENERGIZER bunny, I can't keep going & going & going RIGHT?

"When you feel tired, drained, empty, hopeless and helpless, it just means that you need to Rebuke, Regroup, and more importantly Refuel your SPIRIT!"~Status Shuffle

I have been reading devotional after devotional trying to search for some sort of inspiration for this blog, & where do I find it you ask....... Via FACEBOOK! I absolutely appreciate that God has a such GREAT sense of humor!
It's funny how something as simple as a quote that was meant for someone’s status, can sum up my week so perfectly! I remember reading on a church sign somewhere, “a WEEK without prayer makes one WEAK!” well add that with the quote of the day, & you can feel how high my spirits are right about now. I need to get some ONE on ONE time with GOD! Wow this is new for me, admitting a weakness……. I can feel the stress at the tip of my fingertips as I pour out my hearts truths. I would say in all fairness that I am a pretty positive person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. I’m emotionally, physically, & spiritually drained! Have you ever felt vulnerable, like at any moment you may just break down & cry, without warning, &/OR especially…….without reason? What’s the cure for that? Some turn to Alcohol, other’s turn to drugs, & there are those that turn to God. I’ve heard that with drugs & alcohol after so long your body becomes immune, & that’s when addicts turn to much more dangerous addictions…….BUT……. I find it extremely calming that all’s I have to remember are the words of 1PETER 5:7 “cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you”! I just sit in AMAZE as I think of how BIG God’s shoulders must be, as he carries all of our worries, so we don’t have to.
I‘m a hardcore believer that God always places you exactly where you need to be, when you need to be there! With that said I also feel that God will let you know, WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW, when you need to know it. With that said, I was guided to this devotional: “Isaiah, deals here with two truths we should be aware of to be able to defend our ourselves against weariness and to manage our risks. The first is the obvious truth, that every one grows weary. As we already said, even the fittest and healthiest young person does. The second truth is a deeper and most important truth and faith reality, that, as we learn to trust and expectantly wait on the Lord, we tap into his inexhaustible strength. Are we willing to remain sick and tired of being sick and tired, or, are we willing to learn about how to, through faith and trust in God, manage our energy, challenges and risks through a living relationship with the Lord?”
-Emerging Braken……. Well oh well, isn’t that HANDY DANDY……. The entire purpose of MY New Year’s resolution, was to take my relationship with Our Heavenly Father to the next level……. So he’s definitely trying to tell me something here, am I willing to learn through faith to TRUST in GOD to MANAGE my ENERGY! I’m full of excuses, (just ask my Family & Best Friends) It’s time to MAN up & stop allowing the concept of exhaustion to be my EXCUSE.
So let me make another proclamation: This next coming week, I’m not going to allow myself to be exhausted, so then I shall have NO EXCUSE……. I’m going to get closer with God, & I’m not going to be TIRED doing it!!!!!!!

Hmm Maybe I’ll give up Sugar, TV, greasy foods, POP, or even sleeping in……. But it would be nice to make up for all the failed resolutions & stick with an exercise program! Either way it’s Jan 8th, & I’m still contemplating!

When I think New Years resolution, the first thing that comes to mind is, “LOOSING WEIGHT” I wonder if those two small words coincide with all the failed resolutions of my past…….

I wonder how many people actually live up to their RESOLUTIONS anyways……. According to WIKI:

“Recent research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals. A separate study in 2007 by Richard Wisemen from the University of Bristol showed that 78% of those who set New Year resolutions fail, and those who succeed have 5 traits in common.[3] Men achieved their goal 22% more often when they engaged in goal setting, (a system where small measurable goals are being set; such as, a pound a week, instead of saying "lose weight"), while women succeeded 10% more when they made their goals public and got support from their friends.”

Well that’s promising! I‘ve come to the conclusion that just completing a resolution, is a resolution success all it‘s own. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong, it says nowhere in the RESOLUTION HANDBOOK, that I need to give up something!

!!Ahaa!! (INSERT Brilliant idea light HERE!) Resolutions, are all about bettering yourself, right? Well I have a book that is PERFECT, my Handy Dandy New King James Extreme Teen BIBLE! (Yup I use a teen Bible, & I’m not afraid to admit it!) I’ve been a Christian for many years, Born again….& again……. & YES again! I feel almost as if I have hit a plateau in my relationship with God, it’s kind of like God & me are over our honeymoon stage. Personally that is such an overwhelmingly sad concept to admit, but it true! I’ve been meaning for sometime to take our relationship to the next level, but I know it’s going to take work, & up until now I was content with leaving things the way they were. Well my friends today I RESOLUTE (If that’s even a word) to take my relation ship with our Heavenly Father to the next level.

So here I am about to pour my heart out to the world for the sake of a RESOLUTION, I’m going to blog my adventurous journey: every fault, weakness, & failure, in hopes that by the time the fireworks light the skies of 2012 I will have completed for the first time in 26years a RESOLUTION!